“I get no respect!”, was a famous line from equally famous comedian, Rodney Dangerfield. But one might wonder, Why? Why would anyone ‘get no respect’?
Why do some command the dignity of respect from everyone around them while others get walked on like a door mat?
A Place to Start: Do you respect yourself?
Most of us would probably answer that question, Of course, I respect myself!
But do you really?
Here’s a clue: if you are attracting people into your life who treat you badly, then there just might be an issue with self-esteem.
How can you expect others to feel any differently about you than how you feel about yourself?
When we have a negative relationship with ‘self’ that manifests in negative self-talk about ourselves, it’s like we are broadcasting to all those around us…
“I’m a piece of garbage, I treat myself like a piece of garbage, and I expect you to treat me like a piece of garbage too.”
Then we wonder why those around us treat us badly.
Good News!
That you chose to read this signals that you have reached a deeper level of personal responsibility and are ready for a Change that will align you with your True Self.
Indeed, YOU are the one with the power to change how you are treated by others.
You can use this ‘condition’ in your life as feedback, letting you know your areas of unconsciousness and therefore, personal development and growth.
Once you are Aware of this issue Consciously, you can then take steps to move past it.
Start by noticing the ways in which you don’t respect yourself.
- Do you abuse your body by eating poorly, not exercising, or seeking proper healthcare?
- Do you experience thoughts or feelings of self-loathing?
- Do you dislike yourself, or complain to yourself regarding a lack of discipline, intelligence, or motivation?
- Do you feel inferior to or less than others?
- Do you undervalue your accomplishments?
- Did you experience abuse in childhood, or adulthood?
- Do you always put others needs in front of your own?
- Do you find yourself resenting others because of how they treat you?
Recognizing the ways in which we don’t respect ourselves is the first step in releasing the inherent fallacies we have unconsciously accumulated over the years that propagate feelings of worthlessness.
What Works and What Doesn’t
It’s a personal development cliché to have ‘healthy boundaries’ in relationships. It doesn’t work though, to go around demanding respect and defining boundaries if we unconsciously don’t feel worthy of it.
This is where it works to do some reflection: go within, do some journaling, affirmations, prayer and meditation.
It’s imperative to start valuing yourself and there are myriad ways to signal to your ‘self’ that you do indeed, have a Higher Self that is worthy of the highest order of Respect.
A Connection to your Spiritual Self, even if your belief system doesn’t agree with that terminology, will provide the impetus and motivation to shift from low to high, self-esteem.
Acknowledge your strengths and attributes:
- Do you express Kindness to others?
- Are you Generous?
- Do you have accomplishments you can be proud of?
- Have you raised children? (An accomplishment in itself!)
- Held down a job, paid your bills, said ‘thank you’ to someone?
- Anything that you can think of, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, is something that you can use to learn how to value yourself.
It’s an ongoing lifelong process, so start now!
A Big Secret Revealed: We ALL deal with feelings of inadequacy from time to time. You are not alone!
True Boundaries Begin with You
Once you have begun the process of acknowledging that you have been unconscious of just how little you think of yourself and begin to change that, THEN you can begin to expect that change from others.
It is OUR responsibility to teach people how to treat us with respect.
Become clear in your mind what doesn’t work for you and why.
- Is it being talked to with rudeness, anger or foul language?
- Is it an energy of complaining, blaming, belittling or any other negativity in your presence?
- Is it a snarky attitude, put down humor, expecting your enablement of their addiction?
- Is it when people show up late ‘because it’s just you’?
- Is it when people expect you to be the one to… clean up, show up, do it all?
Take some of that personal reflection time to get clear in a nonjudgmental way, what doesn’t work for you. That means it’s perfectly okay to condemn the ‘energy/behavior’, just not the person. There’s a big difference and I’ll explain why it matters in a minute.
Realize, it’s normal for people to treat us the way we ALLOW them to treat us. It’s normal to (kids do this all the time) push to see where the boundary is. If you have not made it perfectly clear, then they will unconsciously keep pushing until they find it.
Getting The Point
Communicating touchy subjects can be tricky. Some strategies are more effective than others.
If you want to get a point across it works to do it in a way that the other person can ‘hear’ you. That means in a way that is less likely to arouse anger or a defensive posture.
~ ~ ~
I have a family member who struggles with alcoholism. She recently asked me why we are seemingly not able to have a ‘close’ relationship. If I tell her it’s the alcohol, she gets defensive.
Usually, she wants to have these conversations on the phone when she’s drinking. She wonders why after an hour of repeating herself I get frustrated. I do my best to tell her that it doesn’t work for me to talk while she’s drinking but no matter how gently I try to tell her that, she sometimes gets mad and hangs up on me.
The last time she hung up on me though, was because while talking about ‘why we’re not close’ she began to ascribe to me what I supposedly think and feel (about her). I communicated this was a clear boundary for me as I do not believe anyone has the right to TELL someone else what they think and feel. She can ask me that, but don’t tell me.
After thinking about it, I realized that this was an issue of respect for me. And I just established how I want her to treat me, with respect, regardless of how close we are, or not.
When Speaking and Hearing Don’t Meet
“Languaging” is important in communications so that the other person can hear what we are communicating without just reacting to the words we’re saying and feeling judged.
People who struggle with addiction have a fair amount of shame to deal with which complicates everything.
Shame will invite other nasty energies to defend and deflect. Anger is, of course, a common reaction but when anger will not work, passive aggressive will sometimes infiltrate communications: guilt trips, insinuations, make-wrong.
Instead of reacting, address the shame by acknowledging their inherent worth as a human being: I value the person I know you to truly be, kind, loving, supportive, funny, genuine (whatever it is for them).
“Let a relationship tell you what it is, rather than the other way around.”
Oftentimes, we look at a relationship and see what we want it to be rather than what it is.
If you look at the relationship with Acceptance of what it is, then you can choose if you want this relationship in your life, or not.
If we choose to be in a relationship where there are issues, then it’s our responsibility to honor the relationship by honoring ourselves enough to establish clear boundaries so that it can continue in a healthy manner that works for both parties.
Defining a Boundary
When you make the boundary about ‘energy/behavior’ and not the person, then you give them the chance to not only hear what you are requesting, but to also oblige your request.
“This (fill-in-the-blank) energy doesn’t work for me.”
Examples:
- “The angry tone doesn’t work for me. Please say what you mean in a way I can hear you.”
- “The snidely, sarcastic energy doesn’t work for me. Please rephrase with a kind, respectful tone.”
- “The ‘guilt trip’ energy doesn’t work for me. Can you communicate with me in a way that’s respectful?
- “I’m happy to listen to what you have to say, but it would work for me to have a conversation that is respectful for both of us.”
- “Instead of accusing, just say how you feel, then I can hear you.”
You can word the request in such a way that makes them want to honor your request because it works for them too. Respect is something we can all agree is a good thing in relationships.
When you ask for respect from someone, you are also respecting them. Many times, people will rise to a challenge we expect of them, especially when it works for them too.
~ ~ ~
One time I had an interesting encounter with a coworker. It was when I was a utility locator, one of those people you see using colorful paint to mark the underground utilities there in lieu of excavation.
We usually work alone but on occasion we would have a meeting in a parking lot somewhere. Picture this, a bunch of guys, maybe ten, are standing around shooting the breeze. This one very talkative fellow was going on and on. As one of the few females to work in a predominantly male field, I was used to colorful language. But this guy was way over the top. I cringed listening to him but let it go.
The next time we all met in the parking lot and he started his usual ‘F-laced’ stories, I interrupted him with a simple question, “Do you really have to say ‘f**k’ after every word?” Everyone chuckled.
It wasn’t angry or irritated or judgmental. It was just sort of a casual remark. But one I made because, ultimately, I felt if I had to be there and I had to listen to him, then I deserved more respect than to be subjected to that language.
He was mildly shocked. He looked at me with a smile, “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was doing that so much.”
From then on, he started to catch himself, humorously. Every time we saw each other after that, he treated me with a whole new level of respect. I was amazed at just how impactful one question can be. Dare I say, we were both changed in that moment, and whatever the level of our coworker relationship was, it deepened significantly, because of Respect.
It’s a win/win.
It doesn’t have to take much to make clear that if someone wants to be in your space, they will have to rein in a particular energy or behavior that doesn’t work for you. A simple question or statement can make a lasting impression.
Respecting yourself is respecting the other person. If you leave out judgment, you give them the opportunity to course correct and then they will respect themself more.
If someone chooses to hang on to the energy/behavior rather than be around you, then it will be THEIR choice, not yours, relieving you of the guilt for being the one to let the relationship go.
What Life is About
Life is about spiritual growth.
Relationships are a bellwether of where we are unconscious and where it works for us to learn, change and grow.
- Respect yourself. Do that by taking steps to value and appreciate your good qualities and who you are as a person.
- Recognize what the energy/behavior is that doesn’t work for you in your relationships. Address this with the person in a kind, non-judgmental way by acknowledging their good qualities, as well as the energy/behavior that doesn’t work for you. Give them a chance to course-correct, at least around you.
- Be willing to let the relationship go if the person chooses the energy/behavior over the relationship with you. Release them with love. Even if they do not understand, they will respect you, and you will respect yourself.
If you begin this journey of self-respect and commanding respect, you will find more love, peace and joy filling in the gaps where unwanted negativity once was.
Aloha!
For more perspective regarding relationships, check out these two articles, “Getting People To Hear You, My Secret Communication ‘Trick’” and “The Loving Mirror: A Powerful Technique For Spiritual Growth”