“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.”
Mother Teresa
This is not another tome about effective communication or leadership skills. It’s about frustration.
It’s frustrating when words don’t work. Those times when it may not be appropriate to speak.
It’s about those situations when you want to communicate something but actually saying it out loud, would not have the desired effect.
There Are Times When…
- It wouldn’t be polite or prudent to speak up.
- Saying something, no matter how pleasant or kind, might be taken the wrong way, so you don’t say anything at all.
- When saying something might lead to an argument or a fight no matter how gently you say it.
- When difficult people don’t want to talk to you, much less listen to you.
“Language creates reality. Words have power.”
Deepak Chopra
You don’t want to say something that can either come out or be taken the wrong way. Then you are left with regrets or resentment, perhaps even damaged relationships.
What If…
What if there were a way to cause the seas to part before you?
What if people just began to bend over backwards to be sincere, pleasant and helpful?
What if frustration, anger and resentment were replaced by Peace, Flow and Harmony?
Well… perhaps the seas won’t part and people won’t suddenly begin to bend over backwards for you, but… almost…
My Story
My 50th year was a momentous one. I had just left my marriage of 23 years. I had to make sure I had a job and place to stay.
Navigating a whole new life, as well as the horrendous roller coaster ride of emotions that go with splitting up, I was a bit off kilter emotionally.
One job I had was working at a catering company. I liked working there, and I liked the people I worked with. It was a fun, hard job of long hours.
Problem though, was the small group of mostly young women I worked with unconsciously picked up on my emotional weakness at the time and unwittingly bullied me. I say “unwittingly” because they weren’t really the type to bully anyone, but the occasional slight or offhanded comments when they were exhausted or frustrated, began to accumulate.
I hadn’t been bullied since 2nd grade. I wasn’t quite sure how to handle it.
Fortunately, as a life-long student of spiritual wisdom, I had come across and studied the principles ancient Hawaiian wisdom for the previous five years. That helped me tremendously.
I really liked these girls, but they picked on me. So, I asked… Source/God/Spirit/Whatever, what to do?
Then one day, we were in the outside enclosure gathering all the stuff we needed to load onto the truck for our gig that night. I was still new and didn’t know where everything was and so I had to ask a lot of questions. It was annoying.
There was this one young woman, I’ll call her Lauren. She had been a tank mechanic in the Navy. She was a big, rowdy, loud blonde. And very funny. I thought she was great, I loved her.
It wasn’t reciprocal.
One day, she was stooped over doing something and I wanted to help but I didn’t want to say anything because I thought she would get frustrated and mad at me. I still didn’t know where everything was and I was afraid to ask for risk of riling her ire towards me.
So instead of actually saying anything to her I just looked at the back of her head and said to her, in my head, not out loud, “You know Lauren, I really like you. I think you’re really a very cool person. And I would love to help out here if you could just tell me what to do.”
About two seconds later she turned around and looked at me and said something like, “Oh Karie, do you want to help me with this? All you need to do is…”
Needless to say, I was dumbfounded.
She was kind. She was pleasant and respectful.
I jumped right in and began helping.
It was a turning point. Soon after that, she and a couple of the other girls, took me out after work and got me drunk. Kind of an initiation into their little club I guessed. I was no longer picked on after that.
~ ~ ~
Does this really work?
After that very profound demonstration I decided to try it again to see what would happen.
I was in traffic and needed to switch lanes so I ‘asked’ the person if they would kindly let me in. They did.
In the grocery store late one evening to pick up a couple of things, I was in a hurry to go home and let my dog out. I got in line behind a lady with a cart full of stuff. As I looked at the back of her head I said, “You know, I only have a couple of things and I’m kind of in a hurry, would you mind if I got in front of you?”
I kid you not, within seconds she turned around, looked at me and said, “Oh, would you like to go ahead of me since you only have a few things?”
After I picked my jaw up off the floor and still in a state of shock, I said, “Yes, thank you!” and went ahead of her.
This works!
Caveats
I call it ‘Silent Speak’ and here are a few rules of the ‘game’ if you want to try this out:
- Be positive. I’m sure this works in the reverse as well so don’t go cussing people out or you will end up with a negative result, obviously.
- Be responsible. After you have tried it for yourself and see how it works, be very mindful of what you are ‘saying’ and ‘asking’ for.
- Use this as a tool for self-growth. Being positive and responsible means having Respect for yourself and all others involved. This will create Trust, in yourself, the other person, and Spirit/Universe/God.
- Release attachment to an outcome. This is a basic spiritual principle that allows energy to Flow rather than blocking what you want with the fear of not getting it.
“Nonverbal communication is an elaborate secret code, that is written nowhere, is known by none, and understood by all.”
Haruki Murakami
Conclusion
This is just one aspect of communication. As a teacher/student of spiritual wisdom, I see this as a significant part of what I would call Loving Communication, steeped in Trust, Respect, Appreciation, Honor and Value of oneself as well as others.
Another very significant aspect of Loving Communication is listening and hearing, which are two different things. A topic for another day.
Loving Communication is based on the principle of Loving Connection: we are all an indivisible part of All-That-Is. Love is the energy of that Connection.
And this is just another one of the fun lessons I learned (and you can too) on the wonderful journey of spiritual discovery.
I invite you to try this out for yourself and see what happens. Try it with your family, your kids, your coworkers, fellow commuters, that neighbor, the checkout girl. You may find your relationships improving!
Offering words of loving encouragement to that homeless person you pass on the road can’t hurt either. They won’t hear you with their ears, but they’ll hear you with their heart. Loving words, spoken silently or aloud, are always a win/win for everyone.
Communicate (silently) with Love; and replace frustration with Connection, Peace and Harmony.
Aloha!