Of all the personal development struggles, self-judgment is undoubtedly one of the greatest hurdles to overcome. But the good news is, it’s not so much about overcoming as it is about discovering. With an empowering perspective you can have an ‘easy button’ to step into a happier YOU, starting today.
“A mind is a terrible thing to waste”. It’s also a terrible thing to fight. So, stop trying. Offered here are actionable insights that will provide ways to work with your brain, rather than against it. It’s a subtle shift that can make the difference between realizing your personal greatness or continuing to struggle with self-imposed limitations.
Trial by Fire, A Personal Story
There was a time in my life when I was a part of a spiritual organization. Not just part of it, as I had been for many years, but suddenly found myself, and my family, deeply embedded. For a period of time, I felt like I was living in the proverbial ‘fishbowl’.
Things went south though, as happens when a large number of people are striving for spiritual growth, and the opposite inevitably boils to the surface, in humiliating detail. I found myself in the middle of a very embarrassing and public (almost) affair.
I lost myself.
At one point in the middle of it all my sister looked at me and asked, “Who are you?”
It took years to get ‘myself’ back but I’m here to assure you, you don’t have to wait years and go through what I went through to find your Authentic Self. You can use the hard-won insights I achieved to make the shifts necessary to bypass pain, humiliation, embarrassment and disfunction; and go straight to Ease, Grace and Flow.
Why Are You So Stupid? The Origins of Self-Judgment
When we understand how our earliest experiences shaped our mindset and instilled a ‘set’ mode on the vibrational scale of our thought, we can learn to change that by choosing a different ‘setting’.
When I was growing up my father told me repeatedly that I was stupid. “Why are you so stupid?” Well, because I’m a kid! is what I wish I could’ve said without getting slapped silly.
I’m sure he raised me the way he was raised, passing on the same roots of self-judgement that he also experienced.
While some, like my dad, had low self-esteem that manifested as conceited, arrogant show-off, mine manifested as ‘clueless, dumb blonde’, weak and inferior.
Perhaps you can relate.
Take a moment to think about those experiences in your childhood, teenagerhood or even adulthood, that set Self-Judgment in motion as a background ‘hum’ in your brain.
Step #1, Embrace Willingness
No matter where you are on the self-judgment to self-actualized journey, you must start at the beginning. The beginning is Willingness.
Embracing Willingness will give you the power and motivation to change up your inner ‘setting’. Your self-esteem is simply a product of your thoughts.
When we were kids, we began having thoughts and feelings that reflected what we were being told. Now as adults those thoughts and feelings are seemingly embedded as the ‘normal’ background hum of our mind.
Being willing to see what it is and address it, is the first step to changing it.
Step #2, Awareness Reveals All
After Willingness comes Awareness.
Becoming aware of that background hum is essential to releasing self-judgment.
If you listen, you will notice thoughts and their corresponding feelings. Pay attention to what those thoughts and feelings are.
There is a difference between Life-Giving and life-taking energy. Your thoughts and feelings will lean more to one end of that energy scale or the other.
‘Life-Giving’ are those thoughts and feelings that are positive and elevating. They buoy your emotional state with that which adds Life, Passion and Joy.
‘Life-taking’ on the other hand, are those thoughts and feelings that are negative and drag you down into the pits of despair, depression and fear. These are the ones we want to identify and transform.
The spiritual tradition of Huna calls these negative energies ‘malu’ because they act like viruses in a computer, only they do it to our mind.
They infiltrate wherever we’re not aware, so be Aware.
Becoming Aware of them is half the battle.
Step #3, Use Tools to Dig Out and Build UP
Once you are Willing, Aware and start to notice what the self-judgment thoughts are, it works to write them down in a personal journal. This is tantamount to plucking them out of your brain and depositing them onto a piece of paper.
Their power over your mind will diminish immediately when you do this.
Write them down and journal about how and why they originated in your life. Then you will begin to see your life as a meaningful story that you survived and made you who you are today.
Here are some examples of how to write the negative thoughts, and their origins, in your journal:
- “You’re stupid” – what my dad told me repeatedly.
- “You’re not good enough” – what my teacher in 3rd grade said to me.
- “You’ll never amount to anything” – what I felt when my brother constantly excelled over me.
- “You’re worthless” – how I felt when an older kid beat me up at summer camp.
- “You’re only good for one thing” – what an uncle who abused me made me think of myself.
Usually, the thought is directed toward you rather than as an “I am” statement; and it’s usually in the voice of the person who told you that.
If it is an “I am” statement, “I’m an idiot, I screw everything up”; then think about where that originated as well. Perhaps there was an incident that caused you to feel that way. What was the incident? Why did you react that way?
Is it true?
Go through each of those statements and ask yourself if it is honestly true. How can you reframe it now in a compassionate way? Make a new list:
- I’m not stupid. I’m actually of average intelligence or better.
- I’m the one who decides my worth and I am totally good enough for me.
- Even if a family member out shined me growing up, I’m an adult now and I shine in my own way.
- I’m not worthless. I’m worth way more than that dumb energy that wanted to beat me up.
- I am worth way more than what any nefarious energy wanted to use me for when I was young and vulnerable.
Once you have your list, allow yourself to elaborate on whatever feels like it wants to be said. Your ‘inner child’ wants to be heard and loved. Your heart that wants to be healed. Give yourself space to allow words to flow.
Prayer, Meditation and Mindfulness are useful tools you can use in conjunction with journaling. These will help you set an intention (Prayer), listen to your heart (Meditation) and allow you to become ever more aware of your Authentic Self (Mindfulness).
Now begin a list of your positive qualities, characteristics and accomplishments:
- When I was 14, I went dirt-bike riding with my dad and his friends and totally held my own.
- When I was in college, I was the first to dive 15’ into darkness to do a scary scuba exercise.
- I’m generous.
- I love everyone.
- I have compassion for all life.
- I’ve help people whenever I can.
- I learn from my mistakes.
~ ~ ~
Affirmations and Visualization are wonderful tools that will help you release those negative, life-taking energies. There are abundant resources available to learn these powerful tools but it’s not complicated.
Create your own affirmations with words that inspire and motivate you. The rules are: keep it simple, positive and in the present tense.
My favorite affirmation: Everything works out perfectly for me. (Adapted from the body of work by Abraham-Hicks)
Here are a few to consider:
- Every day in every way, I am learning to love myself more.
- I am healthy and happy.
- I am at peace. Peace is mine.
- My best way forward is always revealed to me.
Visualization works well with meditation. Simply create a picture in your mind of:
- Your sick friend is happy and healthy.
- Your new home, just the way you want it.
- Expressing joy doing your dream job.
Read inspirational books, watch videos or listen to recordings that motivate you as your journey becomes less about overcoming and more about releasing and discovering. As you choose more positive thoughts, you in turn, attract more positive thoughts, elevating your background vibration in the process.
Gratitude is the ‘gateway energy-tool’ that will lift you up and help replace negative thoughts with positive ones. We all have things to be grateful for no matter how large or small.
Forgiveness is the great equalizer. Forgive yourself and all others who may have harmed you. This will free you to move forward.
Over time your energy ‘set level’ will elevate to the range of Calm to Happy to Joy and Bliss. Of course, an occasional emotional upset is normal but temporary and you will be back up to Happy in no time.
Create a Vision of your future. Use your journal to write down all the things you would like to have in your life.
Create a ‘Vision Board’, a large piece of poster board to paste pictures and photos of all the things you desire. It is amazingly effective and when you do this you will find out just how effective it is!
Take action. Just one small step each day will create a mood elevating shift.
In Conclusion…
It works to be proactive when dealing with self-judgement. Now that you know what to do, you don’t have to live with its debilitating effects any longer. You can switch it up starting today!
All this will add up to a major positive change in your life and how you feel about yourself. In the process you will discover your True Self, which is equal in value and worth to any being who ever lived. Seriously!
Willingness means you are ready for change and to accept your True Value and Worth. The malu in your brain will resist but you have the power, not them.
Awareness allows you to shine light on those dark energies, and when you do, they will dissolve!
The Tools will help you cement your newfound changes so that your ‘reset’ stays set… at the frequency of Happy/Calm/Relaxed.
The important thing to remember is this: You must be ready to ACCEPT that you ARE of great worth and value. From a spiritual perspective, your Worth is greater than you can even imagine.
If you cannot accept that, you will be inviting self-judgement right back in. So don’t do that. Go back to Willingness, willingness to accept that you are of great value and worth. Regardless of any past actions or behavior, the past is the past and you are STILL deserving of all good things.
Begin the journey of self-discovery TODAY and OWN Who You Really Are!
Aloha!