“You were born two weeks late and you’ve been late ever since!” my Father used to tease me.
Yes, I was supposedly born two weeks late, and yes I was late… A LOT.
Maybe you can relate.
The tension, the stress and anxiety, the shame and guilt. Hurry up!
It’s like being locked in a box that you can’t get out of.
A Lifetime of Lateness Leaves a Path of Destruction
Not sure when it started, but I’m sure being raised in an abusive, dysfunctional home had a lot to do with it.
When you have low self-esteem, and then do things that not only reflect that, but add to it, you find yourself in a seemingly never-ending cycle that perpetuates itself.
College classes, appointments, work, dates, events, weddings, funerals; I was late for everything.
It all culminated in my oldest daughter’s wedding.
My husband at the time, (not her father), was pissed that she didn’t ask him to walk her down the aisle. Rather, she asked her ‘real’ father to walk her down the aisle. You know, the one who loved her and treated her with respect her whole life, rather than the one who wished she didn’t exist.
After giving up every mirror in the house to everyone else who needed to get ready, I waited and worried I wouldn’t have enough time, all while he sniped at me, “Well just don’t go. Hahaha.” He chose not to go out of spite.
Really!? Don’t go to my own daughter’s wedding just so you can get in one more jab at her?
Getting ready, i.e. ‘putting on make-up’, was always my biggest obstacle. I’ve complained and blamed my ‘uncooperative eyelashes’ forever. Plus, perfectionism. A winning combo for being late.
After everyone had gotten themselves ready and left for the 30-minute drive to a lovely park in the country, I got myself ready. Knowing I was already late, in addition to the stress of the day and asshole remarks, caused me to completely check out and focus even more on perfect eyelashes. (One of those self-sabotaging things one does.)
Then there is the constant stream of excuses, rationalizations and justifications running through your mind in a desperate attempt to hope beyond hope that everyone else was also late, that no one will notice, that it will be fine because everything was delayed, or, or, or…
I was very late.
There was quite a long walkway to the platform next to the water (a beautiful location for a wedding). And as i walked toward the platform, the first person to pass me going the other way, was the minister, who, with an aggravated expression, told me, “We waited as long as we could, but I have another wedding to get to!”
My Gauntlet of Shame
Then came everyone else. All of the guests, many of whom were from out-of-town, made eye contact as they passed.
There was scorn, anger/rage, embarrassment, judgmental indignation, disgust, resentment, pity, confusion. How could the mother of the bride miss her own daughter’s wedding?
I was mortified and humiliated, to put it lightly.
But… I had to be there for photos.
I had to face everyone and then smile for the camera.
Obviously, an event I will never forget.
Underneath the whole sordid affair, was the fact that I had married a man who not only didn’t want my daughter (because she was from another man, heaven forbid) but who had verbally, emotionally and psychologically abused her since we were married when she was just three.
I had let her down in the most fundamental way, and now I was having to confront that I continued to let her down, in a most spectacular way, in front of all our family and friends (including her father’s family).
A Turning Point
It took moving to Hawaii for two years to be able to ‘reset’ myself. I went there ostensibly to deal with my younger daughter getting ‘unmarried’ to her husband who unfortunately, was thoroughly identified with a vile, vicious narcissistic malu brought on by the pain of her divorcing him. (At least I wasn’t late to her wedding!)
Suddenly having a lovely studio apartment to myself where I could not only focus on helping her and her lawyer do the legwork for her court cases, (her ex filed for a restraining order for no reason other than vengeance) gave me a chance to disconnect from my ‘other life’, gain perspective and work on myself.
When I returned to Virginia, the occasions to be late came up but I found myself able to nip them in the bud. Time and distance provided the space needed to reset my programming away from the people with whom I had that history.
At first, everyone still expected me to be late, and even though I wasn’t, they still thought I was. My reputation preceded me. I just shrugged it off. I knew I was on time.
Besides the lack of caring what other people think that comes with old age notwithstanding, I was able to replace that old habit with a new one.
Having reached the bottom of the shame-guilt-embarrassment “pit”, I managed to start a new habit: being on time for everything, every time.
How People Who Love You Can Help You
Once, my dear ‘sister’ friend with whom I have a close spiritual connection with as we were both ordained Kahuna together, got really mad at me for being late to a meeting she had arranged.
She had set a very clear ‘boundary’: either you’re on time or call that you’re going to be late.
When I failed to do either, we talked about it at another meeting.
“You caused me to hold up the whole meeting, and everyone else had to wait, and…” She made very clear all the ways I had screwed things up for her and everyone else because she waited for me.
“What am I supposed to do?” She exclaimed.
“Don’t wait for me!” I told her. “If I’m not there to catch the beginning, that’s MY consequence, not yours. Start on time without me.”
Apparently, she thought she was loving me by waiting.
It was like a lightbulb went off. “Oh” she said with relief, “I thought I had to wait for you.”
“No, you don’t” I told her. “You would be loving me more if you just let me deal with my own malu (what we call life-taking energies like habitual lateness).”
She thought that ‘being loving’ meant she had to suffer my consequence with me. I told her that making it be MY consequence and mine alone was more loving to me because that’s how I learn how to deal with my own issue without the added pressure of other people’s judgement, resentment and anger.
That way I’m the only one who misses out, not everyone else.
A Vicious Cycle
From my perspective, most people don’t understand that people who are late are dealing with self-imposed pressure, and then that pressure gets multiplied by other people’s pressure, which just reinforces the stress trigger that causes us to ‘check out’ into the habit zone.
People think it is personally disrespectful to them when we are late and THEY are on time. It is disrespectful, it’s just not intentional. (Though intentional disrespect is a thing too.)
When people respond to your being late by saying you are being deliberately disrespectful, they don’t realize how that locks you into a box they have no idea how hard it is to get out of. It’s not their fault, it’s just another way it affects relationships.
It’s easy for them to be on time all the time because that’s their habit, but for us, it’s almost impossible. The more we WANT to be on time, the harder it is to do it.
Sounds absurd right? Just leave early! Yeah, we’ve tried that.
For me, it took 3 things: maturity, spiritual growth and valuing/loving myself.
I had to grow up enough to realize that it was untenable. It had to change. I couldn’t just go through life unconsciously falling into the same trap over and over again, accumulating relationship debris.
I had to grow spiritually enough to overcome the self-doubt, fear, anxiety and worry of doing it yet again. I had to give myself permission to fail, love myself anyway, and try again.
I had to value myself enough to let it be okay. How other people feel is how they feel. Their feelings are not my responsibility, regardless of my actions, intentional or not.
It’s like a giant hurdle, but once you’re over it, it gets easier.
I looked at every opportunity as another chance to overcome my own personal demons. It was another chance to prove to myself that I could do this for me.
Ironically, when I stopped being late, no one noticed. It was just suddenly a non-issue.
Not like I wanted an award or anything.
I suppose that’s what it should have been all along, a nonissue. But it was a HUGE issue for me!
Now I value myself enough to congratulate myself on conquering one of my greatest challenges. I did it!
No one else needs to know how hard it was, how challenging, how humiliating for so long.
If I start making it about how ‘they’ think about me well then, I would be right back at square one.
Spiritual Self-Care: We all must do the work of healing, learning, changing and growing. There are no short cuts.
The good news: Every day, and every occasion, is a new opportunity to try again.
Here are three steps toward the path of overcoming what could be (if you’re like me) one of the greatest challenges of your life:
Step #1 – RELAX. Seriously, breathe, meditate, do yoga, have a glass of wine, whatever works for you. When the time deadline is pending the day of your appointment, address your state-of-mind first.
Step #2 – Make a plan to be COMPLETELY ready a half hour BEFORE you need to leave. If you are one of those people (like me) who’s late malu includes a compulsion to fill every spare minute with activity, find an activity you can do AFTER you’re ready. It could even be a reward for yourself for being ready! (Get in another chapter while in the waiting room.)
** If you find yourself watching the clock and fretting, stop, take a breath and relax. Accept that yes, you might be late. Release attachment to the ‘need’ to be on time (fear). Seems contradictory but it works. The goal is not to be on time but to just do your best at being on time.
** Rushing is fear. When you fret, get anxious, nervous and worry that you’re going to be late, guess what? That’s exactly when we ‘check out’ and time escapes us, creating a self-fulfilled prophecy. The time you save rushing only costs you more time when spill something, lose your keys or get mascara all over your face. It’s true, we create what we fear, so don’t identify with fear. Identify with the energy of CALM instead.
Step #3 – Positive Projection: This is a term I coined to proactively create the outcome you want in a positive way. This opens the energy of Flow. Once you have released attachment to the outcome (fear), create a visual of the desired outcome (with Hope and Confidence). Visualize yourself arriving on time (or early!). See people noticing you there, appreciating your presence. See yourself FEELING happy, relaxed and confident.
It may take awhile to rid yourself of the habitual angst of a triggering scenario but once you begin to create a DIFFERENT association to that scenario, it will become more natural and easier to do.
The KEY is how you FEEL. That’s the part to work on. Otherwise, you’ll just be spinning your wheels in perpetuity. You can CHOOSE how you WANT to feel.
Do whatever it takes to feel better: Calm, relaxed, confident. Those energies will Flow you right into Thanksgiving Dinner at Aunt Sara’s house before anyone else gets there!
Aloha!