My youngest daughter is a tall, stately beautiful woman.

She’s as sweet as can be… until she’s not.

In her job she deals with a whole apartment building full of low-income tenants. They have big problems, and she has little patience.

I was inspired to give her the nickname, ‘Queen of Scoff’. She’ll go on about the irritating, annoying things people do and end the statement with her signature “UH!” a sound she repeats dozens of times a day.

She’s not unlike most who developed a habit of reacting to daily annoyances with the kind of irritation that can easily escalate to full on rage.

Recently she asked me how she can change that. Not only is she angry with everyone around her, but she’s also angry with herself for being angry all the time.

I get it. It’s exhausting.

It is a negative energy after all and like all negativity, it’s like-taking and energy-sucking.

I told her that she had already stumbled upon the one thing that conquers half the battle already, but we’ll get to that in a minute.

Underneath Anger

Anger is a secondary emotion. The energy underneath ALL anger is FEAR.

Fear of powerlessness. Fear of loss of control. Fear of the unknown, unexpected, uncertain, out-of-your-comfort zone situations.

If you grow up with someone who models that reaction, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of trigger/emote/react; repeat, repeat, repeat.

Repetition creates a habit.

Once that habit is thoroughly embedded, it invites other energies that defend it (attachment): resistance, avoidance, excuses; and energies that augment and expand it: blame, irritation, annoyance, and of course the gratuitous scoff.

Besides the obvious discomfort of being embroiled in negativity, these life-taking energies can escalate to things like road rage, abuse and violence which can have severe impacts on your health, relationships and quality of life.

Underneath Fear

Self-worth, how you value yourself, impacts everything you think, feel and experience in your life. Unless and until you address this issue, all attempts at behavior change will be short-lived and futile.

You can want to change yourself, but unless you feel worthy of change you will only be spinning your wheels with modest, mediocre results at best.

The lack of self-worth/fear/anger/habit cycle will continue.

For every trigger that can ignite Angry Arnie, you will be played like a fiddle to react the same old way to the same old things time and time again, ad infinitum.

This precipitates even more helplessness, powerlessness, and fear, eventually leading to self-loathing.

Because you hate yourself, you hate everyone around you who dares to step out of the very narrow idea of what you think they should be, say or do.

And of course, no one is going to read your mind and live exactly the way you want them to, to prevent you from being triggered once again, though many probably try, like your family.

Childhood, The Garden of Nutritious Bounty and Life-Sucking Weeds

My daughter’s father had anger issues, as did I. So, she got the whole enchilada of modeling for assertive, as well as passive aggressive, anger.

Besides the common notion that the only emotion men are allowed to have is “regular” or “angry”, women are not allowed to be overtly angry at all so passive aggression seeps out.

Like holding a beach ball under the water, Angry Arnie will assert itself one way or another, usually when least expected and vulnerable to its intrusive influence.

Drama King and Queen

Drama has a purpose and a reason.

Besides aforementioned ‘triggers’, what also contributes to the cycle/trap/habit of Angry Arnie are thoughts, feelings and attachment. We confuse the life-taking thoughts and feelings of anger energy with our own and then become attached to a way of being because we don’t know another way to be.

Angry Arnie, Temper Tommy, Sad Sara and a host of other life-taking energies, are actually our teachers.

As an ordained Kahuna, I am steeped in the ancient Hawaiian philosophy of Huna, a system of wisdom that provides Principles which result in Clarity regarding the Nature of Reality.

Malu and Akua are how the ancient Hawaiians described the energies of life: malu are life-taking, an inherent part of the World of Form; Akua are Life-Giving energies, an inherent part of the World of Spirit. In other words, a simple way of looking at life energies in a manageable, empowering way.

Malu induced drama provides contrast and therefore, meaning.

“The Gods Thirst for Meaning and Expression”

What’s Real About Worthiness

The Huna definition for God is simply All-That-Is. Since we are all a part of All-That-Is, we are ALL Divine Beings by that definition.

In other words, you are a part of God and therefore equal in value to that which created you.

You are precious beyond description!

The purpose of the World of Form is to experience yourself as other than that.

We came here to experience the illusion of drama, pain, “death”, and all manner of life energies so that we can see and appreciate what’s Real, that All-That-Is is made of Love, the Energy of Connection that binds and includes all as One.

The Solution to Anger – A.B.I.C.

  • Awareness

This is what I told my daughter, “Just noticing the anger when it comes up from an observer perspective will cause it to begin to diminish.”

Noticing and acknowledging is half the battle.

  • Be Humble

Ha’aha’a is a funny Hawaiian word that means Humility, to be Humble, to be ‘flexible in perspective’.

We are not locked in a box except to the degree that we think we are. Malu try to convince us that we have no other choice than the one or two it gives us like angry and angrier. When we step back, choose to be flexible in how we look at things, we will see that we have many other options.

My spiritual teacher used to say, “You know you have a malu when you think you only have two options and they both suck.”

  • Identity

Only Anger says, “I AM angry.” (Other languages other than English will use the term “have” instead of “am” as in “I HAVE anger” which is better than a statement of identification like I AM.)

The only way malu get to express what they are is by giving unsuspecting, unconscious Divine Beings, thoughts and feelings that they think are theirs. This gives malu the opportunity to fulfill its purpose of expressing what it is, through us.

After a while of just noticing the typical reactions of Angry Arnie play out (through you), you will begin to feel foolish and silly that you are doing things and saying things that you don’t really want to do or say!

You can react or you can respond.

Paul Solomon

The Gap: the realization of the separation of your True Self from the malu energy.

You’ll experience the sensation of “watching yourself”. Many ancient and modern sages call this the “Observer Perspective.” Then you can consciously shift your identity to be in line with your Authentic Self that is doing the observing. No anger, no judgement, no attachment to an outcome; just Be. Then choose…

  • Conscious Choice

When you catch yourself enough times, you’ll stop doing it because it will feel foolish and silly. You’ll see how it’s not really you because in your right mind you would never willingly and knowingly react that way.

You’ll find there are other energies that feel better that you can choose as a response instead: Patience, Understanding, Kindness, Flexibility, Forgiveness.

Does that mean we won’t ever experience anger again? Of course not. But when you do you will know it’s not you but simply an energy, a thought, a feeling. It’s either Life-Giving or life-taking. It’s logical. You get to choose.

It’s like putting on a different hat; why wear one that’s hard, rigid and uncomfortable when you could wear one that fits and feels good to wear? Angry Arnie won’t like that but now you know you are NOT Angry Arnie and don’t have to do what it says just because you always have, so far.

Peace and Happiness are your birthright.

The bitterness of anger provides Clarity through Contrast, but the True Nature of a Divine Being is Sweetness.

And for God’s sake, stop judging yourself as better or worse than anyone else! Value yourself (and everyone else) as God does, PRECIOUS BEYOND MEASURE!

It’s all Perfect.

Aloha!